- 1) Nationalism
Canadians are fiercely nationalistic. This is a direct result of the fact that everyone on earth regards them as AMERICANS – especially Americans. It seems most “Canadian Pride” is nothing more than Anti-Americanism at best. Don’t you have ANYTHING to be proud of that doesn’t relate to the U.S.?
- 2) Their Export of Horrible Music
Canada has produced some excellent music from time to time, but most of it makes me want to grit my teeth until they crack. Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Tragically Hip, Shania Twain, Avril Lavigne, K.D. Lang, Sum41, Bachman-Turner-Overdrive, Bare Naked Ladies, Alanis Morissette (http://www.brunching.com/alanislyrics.html), Nickelback, Bryan Adams and the like are Canada’s Pride and Joy. When you see an mp3 of one of their songs posted on usenet it always has “Canadian Content” in the header. This is to remind the world, “Yes, we Canadians can make some horrid shit, EH?” Canada has Sum41 AND Avril Lavigne? Holy Shit! They have the POSER PUNK market cornered! I found it particularly amusing how The Canadian Association of Broadcasters laughably refers to Anne Murray as, “Canadian Superstar Anne Murray.” The country that gave the world LOVERBOY and GLASS TIGER should keep quiet when it comes to touting musical superiority. I’ll concede that Rush is ALMOST listenable… or at least they would be if they didn’t have a vocalist that sounds like he got his balls stuck in an electric can opener. Any time a Canadian reads this page and tries to come back with “Yeah well – you guys made so-and-so crappy band,” All I need to say is SNOW. Remember him? Need I say more? I particularly liked how he got on MTV News and forced a fake Jamaican accent as he talked about his Jamaican Whitey roots in the mean streets of Toronto. Canadians make such a huge fuss when their artists are accepted in the US, as though they had to overcome such a drastic language barrier and other immense cultural hurdles to be accepted in the ultra-selective world of American media; a members only club where only the very most elite, brilliant and talented people… Oh, man! I think my sarcasm gland is going to rupture. I got a little lightheaded for a second. OK. Any jerk who looks good and can kinda carry a tune can be famous for a few minutes in the US. I hate the American Media more than any of you, and it is for that reason that I scoff even more when you cheer because Avril Lavigne bridged the “massive cultural gap” and made enough of a “crossover” to have the “honor” of “singing” on the MTV “Music” “Awards.” Your culture is TOTALLY not based on the very worst scraps of American bullshit pop culture at all!
Am I the only person who finds Celine Dion REALLY, REALLY unattractive and annoying? “I’m gonna quit the music business to devote my life to my geriatric cradle robber husband. Praise me for my strong values! Meanwhile, I’ll be singing in Las Vegas: HOME OF CLASS!” (Two years later) “I’m BACK! BUY MY CD!!” NOOOOOOO!!!! You were supposed to be GONE FOREVER! YOU PROMISED! IT’S LIKE YOU NEVER EVEN LEFT! THE IMAGE OF YOUR MISSHAPEN SKULL IS BURNED IN OUR RETINAS FOREVER! DIE! DIE! DIE! Maybe you’ll die on your own from STARVATION unless someone FEEDS YOU.  (http://egomania.nu/celine.html)
“Hi! I’m Avril Lavigne. Despite the fact that I’m basically a poor man’s Britney Spears, I wear messy clothes and that makes me PUNK ROCK. Entertainment Weekly even said so, so it must be true. I’m so antiestablishment that I’m on the front covers of Teen People, Cosmo-Girl and YM! Power to the People… and DRINK PEPSI – it’s refreshing! The writers down at corporate headquarters who write all of my music for me paint me as a rebel, so uhh…. GRRRR! I’m a Rebel! I hope this fame lasts, or I might have to go back and finish High School….. HEH! YEAH! AS IF! PFFT! (slaps her manager a high-five)” Fuck that Flavor-of-the-Minute Poser. The most frequent argumentative response I get to this is forum nerds going, “Heh… I’d DO her.” Face facts. You sexually deprived Cheeto devourers would fuck anything that didn’t violently try to escape, including this bony beady-eyed sack of white trash. “I totally don’t see why people would call me a fake sellout. I mean, I know that I whored out my likeness to AOL Time Warner to make a character for The Sims Online for a few bucks, but big deal.”
- 3) Their Diet
Some of the staples of the Canadian diet:
a) Beer – Labatt or Molson. Canadians are even nationalistic about which country they will allow to destroy their livers. If Fosters is Australian for “Beer” then Labatt must be Canadian for “Assmilk.” Newfies aren’t smart enough to stay away from bingo halls, but they wisely avoid Canadian beer… Instead they drink SCREECH (cheap-ass moonshine made in rum barrels). They take great pride in their beer too. It had better be good. You’d have to be pretty drunk to love Canada. Canadians also continually mention how weak American beer is compared to Canadian beer. “You Americans could never handle Canadian beer! (hic)” What’s funny is that Canadian nationalism seems to make Canadians believe this when it simply isn’t true. Canadian beer has almost identical alcohol percentage to American beer. Click here for proof (http://drinkaustin.stormpages.com/percent.htm). Most of the Canadians that take offense to this list mention that they drink micro-brewed beers from local breweries that make 10 cases of beer a week. “The US could never make a beer as good as Beaver Ass Lager from Alberta! It’s 23% alcohol!” Let me drop you a hint. Almost ALL micro-brewed beers around the world are stronger and taste better than large national brands. Budweiser is not the pinnacle of American beer achievement. That doesn’t mean your beer is amazing. It just means you need to learn more about different micro-brewed beers. Germany KILLS you. You think WE can’t handle beer? Then why do Canadians consider 12 beers to be a “case?” In the US, 12 beers make a 12-pack. 24 beers make a case.
b) Back Bacon – Part of a pig, which, if it were found on a cow or chicken would be thrown away as SCRAPS.
c) Doughnuts – There are more doughnut shops in Canada than there are HOUSES in the US. When I was in Windsor, they literally had two Tim Hortons on opposite sides of the road, facing each other. Yeah, I guess their patrons can’t run fast enough to cross the street on foot without fainting or having heart palpitations and their gas prices and weak dollar put restrictions on such a long trip in a car.
d) Poutine – This is a concoction (for lack of a better term) of French Fries, Thick Greasy Gravy, and Cheese. It resembles a mixture of morning sickness and something an 8th grader in a school cafeteria would be paid by his peers to eat. If you ordered a value meal at McDonalds and supersized it and filled the bag up to the rim with lard you could not touch the fat content of poutine. The popularity of this ‘food’ is why Canada approved socialized health care. You can learn much more about poutine on this gay men’s site (http://athleteca.tierranet.com/poutine-the-treat-of-quebec.htm).
e) Kraft Dinner – This is the same as Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, but they changed the name – with good reason. Everything in Canada costs way more than it does in the United States. In the US it’s a side dish. In Canada it’s DINNER.
- 4) Their Pride in Their Health Care System: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here Let me explain something for the very dense, since it’s been jammed in my email inbox about 1000 times. If you have socialized healthcare, that’s not the same thing as having FREE healthcare. See, Canadians pay taxes, lots of taxes, and while some of this tax money goes towards making sure they crush enough baby seal skulls per year, a lot more of it goes to healthcare. When you pay taxes to support healthcare, then that healthcare is no longer FREE in any sense of the word. Canadians are sooooooo proud of their healthcare… but WHY? SARS kicked Canada’s ass (http://www.who.int/csr/sars/country/2003-07-04/en/). Even in China, where they had 5327 cases, only 6% of the victims died from it. Canada had a 15% death rate from SARS. The US, which had 73 cases of SARS, had ZERO deaths. You mean to tell me that Communist China has MUCH BETTER medical care than a Western country? Maybe you should have sent your SARS patients to the US. Maybe then they could have been SAVED by our obviously superior healthcare. Many Canadians I’ve talked to say that although the state (aka taxes) pay for healthcare, a lot of times you get it on their terms, often having to wait for hours to be seen by a doctor even with an appointment, or having surgeries put off for weeks or even months, and often there ARE copayments that patients have to pay, just like with an American HMO. If my appendix burst I would hope it could be taken care of with an efficiency greater than that found at the Post Office. Canadians like to brag about their contributions to medicine too. Big deal – most countries not suffering from starvation, civil war, etc. can crank out at least a FEW advancements here and there. As much as Canadians pay in taxes they should have been able to cure DEATH by now.
I visited a friend who lives in Toronto. When I asked her if she wanted me to bring anything “American” with me she said, “Bring me Hostess Fruit Pies and Red Bull soda, because they aren’t allowed to be sold here because of the State-run healthcare.” Ahh… Forfeit your freedom of choice in exchange for free (taxed) healthcare. Good move. Score. It looks like it’s working really well for you too! An article from Canada.com in March of 2003 said that between 3 and 4 million Canadians couldn’t get a family doctor. Thumbs up. Four Stars.
- 5) What Country Besides Canada Would NEED a Law Against Dwarf Tossing?  (http://www.ontla.on.ca/documents/Bills/37-Parliament/Session4/b097-e.htm)
Bill 97 2003An Act to ban dwarf tossingHer Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Legislative Assembly of the Province of Ontario, enacts as follows:Dwarf tossing banned1. (1) No person shall organize a dwarf tossing event or engage in dwarf tossing.Offence(2) A person who contravenes subsection (1) is guilty of an offence and on conviction is liable to a fine of not more than $5,000 or to imprisonment for a term of not more than six months, or to both.Commencement2. This Act comes into force on the day it receives Royal Assent.Short title3. The short title of this Act is the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act, 2003.
- 6) They Can’t Even Hold Their Country Together
With all their talk of how proud they are to be Canadian, there are a lot of Canadians who don’t even want their provinces to be PART of Canada. Right now there are significant separatist movements trying to gain independence from Canada in British Columbia, Alberta, Ontario, Newfoundland and Quebec, and there’s even a movement trying to make Ontario become part of The United States (in your fucking dreams). Canadians can say a lot of bad things about the US, but they sure as hell don’t have the right to call it a leaky ship. The US hasn’t had to deal with separatists since the Civil War ended in 1865 (although I am all in favor of giving Texas back to Mexico and making the loss of the venomous Bush family’s citizenship retroactive). If these Canadian separatists get their wishes and these provinces turn into their own sovereign states, what will remain of Canada will look like Swiss Cheese. Hopefully these links will help unite malcontent Canadians who would love to see Canada turned into a splintered bunch of styrofoam particles stretched over thousands of miles.  (http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/ontario-independence/),  (http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Lobby/3091/),  (http://www.ontariousa.org/)
- 7) Their Pseudo-Environmentalism
Supposedly Canadians are more concerned than Americans about the environment and even as far away as Toronto they blame the smog on Detroit. They always love to rant about how the US is a big, nasty polluter and spoiler of the earth, while quietly doing things that are easily as environmentally questionable. They’re so concerned with the environment that they’re cutting down their old-growth forests at a rate to rival the depletion of the South American Rainforest. You think I just pointed that out to demonstrate some Canadian hypocrisy? Shhhh.. Don’t be silly. “Yeah, well, we have more clean water and unspoiled land than the US!” So what? Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that only the southernmost 200 miles are inhabited by human beings or that Canada is the ninth least densely populated country on earth, could it? Everyday is Earth Day in Canada. Yes, indeed! Canadians love animals and nature so much that the Canadian Government PAYS to have over three hundred thousand baby harp seals clubbed and skinned alive per year (http://www.hsus.org/ace/19076). When the seal hunters slaughtered 30,000 seals over their quota, did the Canadian Government punish them? No Way! They just raised the quota. Canadian Government ice breakers even help seal hunting vessels get through the ice to where the seal herds are, free of charge. That’s the Canadian way though: always there to lend a helping hand. In December, 2003, National Resources Minister John Efford attended his first cabinet meeting flaunting a thigh length seal coat, boasting how the seals were hunted in Newfoundland, adding, “I think it’s a great industry in Newfoundland. I’ve promoted it for years and years.” This follows the pattern he’s stuck to since the 1990’s. In 1998 he said, “I would like to see the six million seals, or whatever number is out there, killed and sold, or destroyed or burned. I do not care what happens to them. The more they kill, the better I will love it.” It’s great that Canada has put such a concerned environmentalist and conservationist in charge of natural resources nationally.
- 8) Their Gas Prices
In the US Midwest significant cities seem to be about an hour or two away from each other at the most. When you pass into Canada you’re lucky if you see anything but farm houses for hundreds of miles. Canada has exploited this fact by raising their gas prices to about another 2/3 the American prices AFTER conversion (1 US dollar = $32.50 Canadian).
- 9) Where Else Besides Canada Could You Find a Town Called “DILDO?”
When I heard about Dildo Island (http://www.aroundthebay.ca/profile/Dildo/dil.asp), Newfoundland, I pictured a porn movie spoof of one of those 60’s Sci-Fi movies with Amazons clad in fur bikinis. It’s probably closer to the truth that this town gets its name from its population of bored fishermen’s wives. This haven for tourists boasts a gloomy sky, a Lion’s Club, Hefford’s Appliances, Darlene’s Hair Care, and an outdoor swimming pool to cool off on those sweaty summer days when the temperature gets up to a sticky 50ºF/11ºC. Can you imagine saying, “Yes sir! I go to Dildo Baptist Church and I’m on the Dildo Public School Board?” Conveniently, for easy access, Dildo is located off Spread Eagle Bay and perhaps more frighteningly, Dildo Arm (http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?ovi=1&zoom=6&mapdata=6M4lHvHOdLY8%2fVuC7Gy%2fzYg41VTDQGT8gpnUamZrz2meZ04AuFL%2f6sbif5PQx53Ef0%2bpU7rKqlWR6ScIRJqPxPWUeSQ94dwGpVOR%2f9NmktflAjR9igKOWfvjIal8fYquULYhPNLAoO5YOSv5N76ppOMFvFESPYS%2bMkVO4bP0tziwqiRTlfUrvx7Qi%2buVvIxHlLoXU%2bUhsX5dLNdphGdwOZWulKUE11Q3XvYkBR0MMMjG1wOS0%2b4XhbDFtUs%2b4hOO9%2fX8jtVqwQRryq8c7BAlCy94LjiFGyam). If Dildo’s not your speed, or if Dildo Arm makes you sore to even imagine, you could head down the road to Placenta Bay (http://www.weshallremember.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/page2.htm), or Conception Bay (http://www.town.cbs.nf.ca), Newfoundland. I’m sure they’re charming locales.
- 10) Les Quebecois
So you have French and English on everything. So what? Just put symbols for men or women on the rest room door like everyone else does, you pretentious assholes. I’ve heard lots of people from Ontario try to defend themselves by disassociating Quebec from Canada. Sorry, but you can’t just wish away the horrible, horrible truth that they ARE Canadians. And no, Quebec. France hates you too, so ditch the “We’re French” bit and accept that you’re Canadian. The only thing you share with France is a broken version of their language, not Le Louvre. So basically you’re hated by both the nation where you live, and the nation where you once came from… Wow! A whole province full of people essentially living in exile. Sucks to be you. Quebec has taken this bitterness to amazing extremes in the fact that they ENFORCE THE USE OF THE FRENCH LANGUAGE (http://220.127.116.11/search?q=cache:GGh51qjIcTMJ:www.bakerinfo.com/NR/rdonlyres/eiqf34w5tsz2uvqrmmqsxvfas32ifozyeqh7adtgimmg2djea74ot3anbaf6rqsy63gg5v7lzfrkfe/Overview%2Bof%2BQuebec%2BFrench%2BLanguage%2BRequirements.pdf+%22overview+of+quebec%27s+french+language+requirements%22&hl=en). It is ILLEGAL to make billboards, product packaging, road signs and advertisements in English unless French is given greater predominance. In other words, These things must be either ONLY in French, or multilingual, with French being “markedly predominant” so that the “visual impact of French must be MUCH GREATER than that of the other language.” Companies in Quebec must have a “predominantly French” name. Correspondence between employers and employees must always be in French. Fines are imposed of up to $7000.00 PER OFFENSE for noncompliance to any of these laws, enforced by “Language Police.” While it’s illegal to use English in Quebec for these things, by contrast, in the US it is illegal to discriminate against anyone for using whatever language they wish. If you tried to pull this type of cultural discrimination in the US, the American Civil Liberties Union would go to fucking WAR. I find it funny that Canadians think of themselves as more free and democratic than the US while inflicting these types of fascist laws on their people. French Language Enforcement and Canadian Content Laws sound like Orwellian evil to me. I’ve had Quebecois people send me email saying that they need langauge enforcement to preserve their culture. You can preserve your culture all you want, but it’s wrong to attempt this by stamping out other people’s culture. There’s another group I can think of that uses ‘preserving our culture’ as an excuse to try to legitimize its bigoted actions: The KKK. There’s a word for trying to promote your culture by means of stifling everyone else’s: discrimination. If you’re going to make it a criminal offense to observe one’s own culture by starting a business that doesn’t have a French name, that’s purely racist. There’s no two ways about it. For instance, why should a Chinese or Indian restaurant need to have a fucking FRENCH name… OR ELSE? Canadians always talk about how they “celebrate” their “cultural diversity.” Fining people SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS PER OFFENSE for not conforming to a cultural mandate is a pretty fucked up way to celebrate diversity if you ask me.
- 11) Highway 401
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP (145 bpm)
- 12) They TAX Recordable Media
To reinforce Government support of Canadian Content Laws, the Canadian Copyright Collective puts a levy on recordable media. This is meant to discourage Canadians from copying their Celine Dion CDs, videos, etc. by making most recording media uneconomical, and next year, the taxes are set to go up EVEN MORE. This follows the same logic that Canadians follow about smoking or other things they don’t like, and pretty much everything they DO like : they TAX THE SHIT OUT OF IT. They don’t care if you’re going to use this media for some legitimate purpose, they just assume that you’re going to rip your neighbor’s Avril Lavigne CD and nail you with a big, fat tax. The only media that will be exempt from this tax next year will be cassette tapes under 40 minutes. They’re so nice to give Canadians a break on completely obsolete technology in unusably small formats! They are also planning to put a tax on MP3 players at the rate of 21 dollars per gigabyte. So basically, a 30 gig Apple iPod, which is currently $749.00 Canadian (equal to $536US, which is already obscene because it goes for $440 in the US as of Aug1, 03) will go for $1379 Canadian. Hey, kids! Try asking your parents to get you one for Christmas! This is another reason to scoff at Canadian Government Control of Media. Canadians pay taxes which support their media, they go to the store and buy a cd with still more taxes on it, then if they buy a CDR to copy it, they pay EVEN MORE TAXES! So basically they pay big, stupid taxes to copy something they not only already own, but helped produce in the first place. Another thing that’s funny is that so far, none of the money collected by these recordable media taxes has gone to Artists. Thus far, all of the money collected has gone to the Canadian Private Copyright Collective, which is just a lobbying group. So basically, the only people who have benefited by this tax are a bunch of greedy, evil corporate lawyers who give bribes to Canadian Government officials. Basically, the government just lets this PRIVATE organization call the shots. None of the money has actually even gone to the government through official channels, making the levies not even taxes in the classic sense. It’s just free money for people who already have too much to begin with. No doubt the RIAA thinks Canada is peachy-keen!
- 13) Stupid Packaging
What fucking country puts cigarettes in a big, wide box the size of a lunchbox and puts HOMO milk in a BAG? MILK IN A BAG!!!! WHY?!?!?!?! I have to ask… How many homos do you have to “milk” to get a whole liter?
- 14) Their Pride In Sports That Only THEY Care About
A.) HockeyIn the US, Hockey receives about as much attention and commands about the same fan-base as Monster Trucking, which is significantly more attention than it receives in every country besides Canada. Tragically Hip even mentions being perplexed by someone saying how they “didn’t give a fuck about Hockey” in their song “Fireworks.” Guess what. Don’t be perplexed. ONLY Canadians give a fuck about hockey. Does the US have hockey teams? Yeah. We also have professional bowlers, billiard players, sport fishermen, and poker players. We have loads of professional athletes playing insignificant sports… LIKE HOCKEY. When Canada beat the US at the Olympics at Hockey, the internet was BOMBARDED by bragging Canadians yelling and screaming about, “0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o! We kicked your asses!! HAHAHAH!” If the only thing I was good at was nailing my nuts to a door frame, should I brag about doing it better than you? The same principle applies to Canada and Hockey. They still bring it up years later like it was their only day in the sun. You’re sooooo proud of beating the US at the Olympics. Does it soothe the sting of having lost the Stanley Cup to American teams EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST ELEVEN YEARS? Canadian sport? In your ass! By the way, the plural of “Maple Leaf” is “Maple LEAVES,” not “LEAFS.” LEARN HOW TO READ AND WRITE!
B.) CurlingOf the people I talk to, only Canadians seem to consistently even know what this is (other than the Scottish, who invented it). For those not familiar with this ‘sport,’ I’ll give you a brief run-down. It’s basically shuffleboard in slow-motion plus ice plus two people with what appear to be the type of mops used for linoleum floors sweeping frantically. Curling does not seem to be an activity requiring a particularly high degree of physical agility or strength, but rather, an affinity for sweeping a floor really quickly. This may partially explain why the Canadian Women’s Olympic Curling Team looks like a bunch of housewives. Seriously though… I can’t imagine someone saying, “Yeah, bitch! We kicked your fucking asses at CURLING!! BOO-YAHHH!! Who’s yo daddy?!” I’d probably shit my pants laughing.
C.) LacrosseThis is a “sport” which Canadians snagged off the native people. They gave this already existing activity a new prissy French name and pretend they invented it, even though its history spans back hundreds of years before Europeans ever came to North America. If you can imagine a bunch of guys running around in a field with butterfly nets, wearing oven mitts and bird cages on their heads, you have a pretty accurate picture. Some Canadians call this the Canadian National Sport. Really? Seriously? You couldn’t come up with anything else? I’d get as much of an adrenaline rush watching Badminton or Croquet or even Lawn Bowling. Probably the only reason they call it the national sport is because nobody else cares enough about it to offer them any competition. It’s sorta like hockey in that respect. It’s hard enough to find people in countries other than Canada who even know the rules, much less round up enough people who are actually excited about it to form an association with teams and funding. In the US, most of the teams seem to be on the middle school level. When they hit high school they find that Color Guard offers the same femme appeal – plus they get to flip those adorable little white rifles around.
- 15) Their Pride in Their Exported Entertainers
“But.. But.. But.. We gave you Jim Carrey, Joshua Jackson, John Candy, Jason Priestly, William Shatner, Rich Little, Matthew Perry, Martin Short, Dan Aykroyd, Mike Myers, Hayden Christensen, Robert Goulet, Howie Mandell, and Michael J. Fox!! …. Did I say Jim Carrey yet?” PLEASE, PLEASE FUCKING TAKE THEM ALL BACK!! We should nuke you for James Cameron alone!
- 16) They Brag About The Most Retarded Shit – EVEN WHEN THEY’RE DEAD WRONG
All of the things in this section are things that irate Canadians have bragged about… Most of them MANY TIMES.
“The United Nations says we’re the best country in which to live in the world!” Actually, the United Nations says that the US, and SIX OTHER COUNTRIES ARE BETTER THAN YOU! “But, but, but, but, we USED to be the best!” Living in the past doesn’t make you any less WRONG!  (http://www.factmonster.com/ipka/A0778562.html)
“Americans don’t even speak real English. You can’t even spell metre and colour and neighbour correctly.” The total number of people who speak English worldwide is 508million. 280.6million of those are from the US. That’s more than half. WE have the majority of English speaking people in the world, so YOU all need to learn to spell METER and COLOR and NEIGHBOR the way the majority of English speakers do.
“You Americans are all illiterate.” The US and Canada both have 97% literacy rates.  (http://www.aneki.com/northamerica.html)
“Yeah well… At least we don’t have GUNS like you!” Get ready to be conquered. Actually, to say there are NO guns in the hands of Canadian civilians is naive and dishonest. There are 1.4 MILLION registered gun owners in Canada, and about 667 thousand unregistered gun owners are protesting by REFUSING to register, even after the government waived the registration fee. 2 Million is about equal to the total populations of Detroit, Washington DC and Saint Louis combined; three of America’s bloodiest cities. The article that I linked to says, “The law does little to curb gun use by criminals, and criminals are obtaining firearms easily illegally, or in some instances legally.” Unregistered guns are harder to track, so have fun trying to run down the criminals who DO have them, and do USE them on Canadian civilians and cops. No serial numbers, no ballistics tests… Have fun with that little forensics nightmare.  (http://www.crpa.org/pressrls051502.html)
“Americans are fat.” So are you. 47.9% of Canadians are overweight (Sep 2003), and that statistic is gradually rising. Canadian health experts believe “Canada is narrowing the obesity gap with the U.S.” and “Canada’s obesity epidemic will catch up to that of the United States within a decade.” In Prince Edward Island 59% of people are fat. McDonalds is the most popular restaurant in Canada by a long stretch with three million customers a day. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. Since your beef has Mad Cow Disease (the only cases found in North American livestock in over ten years, and guess where the last cases were before that? CANADA!), McDonalds Canada gets its beef from the US. May we help the next customer, please? (Updated Dec 28, 2003) There was one case of Mad Cow Disease in the US in 2003. Canada immediately banned the import of all processed beef products from the US. This is somewhat ironic considering that the cow was imported into the US from (drumroll, please) ALBERTA, CANADA.  (http://www.cbc.ca/news/bigpicture/obesity/statistics.html),  (http://www.negativepositive.org/obesity.htm),  (http://www.wired.com/news/medtech/0,1286,58932,00.html)
“We burned down the White House during the War of 1812, and Americans couldn’t even get close to Ottawa!” Check that date again? That’s right. You haven’t found anything else to shove in our faces in nearly TWO HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS. And let’s get something straight. It wasn’t EVEN the Canadians that burned the White House. It was the British. The Canadians fought alongside the British in the War of 1812, but it wasn’t them who burned the White House. If you look anywhere online (other than an Anti-USA Canadian comebacks page) it ALWAYS says the British did it. And NO, being a British Colony doesn’t make you British. As you’re so fond of reminding the whole world every chance you get, “I am Canadian, Eh!” So, Canadian, no bragging rights for British accomplishments. That’s like someone winning the Nobel Prize and having his CAT take credit for it. While you’re digesting the fact that you can’t take credit for burning down A particular building, consider the fact that WE BURNED THE WHOLE CITY OF TORONTO FIRST (York, the capital of Upper Canada at the time). The British burned Washington, including the White House in 1814. Also, you say that bit about us not being able to burn Ottawa as though it was even the capital of Canada during the War of 1812 (http://www.teskey.com/ottawa). Kingston was the capital of Canada at the time. Ottawa wasn’t named the capital of Canada until 1857. I guess when you’re uneducated enough to think Canada burned Washington D.C. you’re uneducated enough to think Ottawa was always Canada’s capital.
“The US has racist groups like the KKK!” Canada has racist groups like The Heritage Front, The Nationalist Party of Canada, Stormfront Canada, The National Action Party, The Church of the Creator, The Identity Church, Citizens for Foreign Aid Reform, Canadian National Front, White Power, Rock Against Communism, The Aryan Nations, Anglo Society, Northern Hammerskins, International National Socialist Party, Tri-City Skins, Canadian Ethnic Cleansing Team, White Power Youth Crew, The Western Guard, White Aryan Resistance, Canadian Heritage Alliance, and yes, the KKK.
“We get better grades in school than you dumb Americans!” Hockey was invented in Europe. Field hockey was played over 500 years ago in several European countries, and in the winter it was played on frozen ponds. It was later brought to North America by British troops. Woo-woo! Inventing the Zamboni doesn’t mean you invented hockey. Oh, but wait. Despite your claims, you didn’t invent that either, liars.  (http://nhl.com/hockeyu/history/evolution.html),  (http://www.torontofreepress.com/archives/2002/spyros102802.htm)
“We invented the Zamboni!” Frank Zamboni was an Italian American living in, get this, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA (http://web.mit.edu/invent/iow/zamboni.html) when he invented his famous ice resurfacing machine. Zambonis are made in his original Southern Californian factory to this day.
“We invented Basketball!” Actually the Mayans (http://www.pacaritambo.com/culture.html) invented Basketball over 1000 years ago. In their version of the game, the losers were BEHEADED. I am, of course, completely in favor of reviving this noble tradition in basketball. It would make it a far more honorable game than the cocaine-snorting hooker-fucking steroid-shooting money-grubbing shoe-endorsing crap that it has become, and no doubt, the TV ratings would eclipse the second coming of Christ at Britney Spears’ live nude Half-time Show at the Superbowl where she has steamy lesbian sex with her own clone.
“We invented Baseball!” You invented the padded baseball GLOVE (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/canada/glove.asp). Using your logic, Professional Skateboarder Mike McGill did the first aerial 540 on a skateboard. Hence, Mike McGill invented the skateboard.  (http://www.courier-journal.com/foryourinfo/070802/070802.html), [hhttp://www.mrbaseball.com/history/cartwright.htm],  (http://baseball.about.com/library/blbasehist2.htm),  (http://www.thebaseballpage.com/features/origins.htm),  (http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/blbaseball.htm)
“We invented Five Pin Bowling!” Just because you couldn’t afford all ten pins doesn’t mean you INVENTED something.
“We invented Lacrosse!” If, by “invented,” you mean “Stole from the Native Americans (http://www.e-lacrosse.com/na.htm), who had been playing it for centuries before Europeans ever set foot in North America,” then, sure! I guess you DID “invent” it.
“We invented Short Wave Radio” NO YOU DIDN’T (http://www.nobel.se/physics/laureates/1909/marconi-bio.html). It was invented by an Italian named Guglielmo Marconi. Can you hear me now? Good.
“We invented Insulin!” How the hell can you say you invented something that the body produces naturally? Last time I checked, insulin was invented by the pancreas.
“We invented Velcro!” It was invented by a Swiss guy named George de Mestral. Yes, yes. Of course, I’m sure Canadians invented the wheel, the internal combustion engine, the microchip, fire, the everlasting gobstopper, the sun, the moon and the stars.  (http://ask.yahoo.com/ask/19990713.html),  (http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mvelcro.html),  (http://www.enchantedlearning.com/inventors/indexv.shtml),  (http://www.hookandpile.com/hook-loop-invention.html)
“We invented the Telephone! Bell lived in Ontario in 1874 when he invented it.” Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland, then moved to England, and later lived in Canada for LESS THAN ONE YEAR before moving to Boston – IN 1871. He was living in Boston for three whole years before the date that Canadians claim he invented the telephone in Canada. But let’s slow down for a second. Bell DIDN’T INVENT the TELEPHONE. He merely STOLE the designs of Antonio Meucci, who was from Florence, Italy and invented the first telephone while living in Havana, Cuba in 1849.  (http://www.mercurians.org/may99/meucci.html),  (http://www.italianhistorical.org/MeucciStory.htm),  (http://fusionanomaly.net/hearingthroughwiresthephysiophonyofantoniomeucci.html),  (http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,3604,738675,00.html)
“We invented Cable TV!” It was invented in 1948 in Johnstown, Pennsylvania by John Walson to get TV to secluded houses in the mountains.  (http://www.coalregion.com/Famous/walson.htm)
“We invented the ZIPPER!” So this is what it all boils down to. No wonder you’re so proud. I definitely wouldn’t want to live in a non-zipper inventing country. I mean… A guy’s got to have standards, right? Oh! But Wait! I DO live in a zipper inventing country! The zipper was invented by the inventor of the sewing machine, Elias Howe, who was from Massachusetts, and it was further developed by Whitcomb Judson who was from Chicago. It was improved later by a Swede named Gideon Sundback. Oh well. I guess that’s another Canadian claim to fame tossed in the fire.  (http://www.ansun.com/history.html),  (http://www.history.rochester.edu/Scientific-American/mystery/howe.htm),  (http://www.voicesofinnovation.org/archives/Sept-02/P13-9-18-02.asp),  (http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/explain/docs/zipper.asp)
“We invented Penicillin!” Sir Alexander Fleming was from the UK. Seriously…. why are you all such pathological liars? Do you think that telling people that your country invented the first antibiotic will help you score or something? Don’t you have any REAL accomplishments?
“We invented/accomplished <insert thing that Canadians supposedly invented/accomplished>” The US has the highest number of Nobel Prize winners of any country in the world; TWENTY SEVEN TIMES the number of Nobel Prize winners from Canada.  (http://www.aneki.com/nobel.html)
“The whole world LOVES Canada and HATES the US!” I guess that’s why the whole world, including Canada, imitates our pop culture, and we have more immigrants than any other country in the world. We’re also the second most visited country in the world. Canada is the ninth.
“Canada is sixth in the world for most Olympic Medals, despite having a population of only 30 million.” I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to impress people with accomplishments at the world’s biggest Credit Card Commercial, but uhh.. you’re lying about how good you are at it. Canada isn’t even in the top ten.  (http://aneki.com/olympics.html)
“We invented Peacekeeping!” I’ve actually heard this many times, so I’ll address it. The idea of “inventing” peacekeeping is an absurd notion. That’s like saying a guy from Peru invented generosity or that a guy from Zimbabwe invented creativity. You can seriously look in the mirror and believe in your hearts that people engaged in disputes that almost led to wars, but didn’t because of diplomacy, have Canada to thank regardless of whether the conflict was in 1980A.D. or 240 B.C.? If Canada invented anything, it’s JEALOUSY.
“Americans don’t have freedom of speech, but we do!” Yeah, Quebecois French Language Enforcement, Canadian Content Laws, and censoring Conan O’Brien for ribbing your shitty country sound like really great examples of free speech to me.
“We do NOT say ‘ABOOT!'” I’d like to apologize on behalf of all Americans for us starting the incorrect rumor that you pronounce ‘about’ as ‘aboot.’ Your pronunciation is much closer to “A BOAT” and I’m very sorry that we’ve gotten it wrong all these years.
“When Americans go abroad, they sew Canadian flags on their bags so people will love them and rub on them!” Ahhh – the Canadian Flag Patch! The Nazi arm band of the Great White North! Not since the Third Reich has red and white been so openly and often flaunted to announce national identity. How can you simultaneously play both the “Americans are arrogant assholes” and “Americans will disavow their nationality at the slightest sign of disapproval” cards? I’ve asked around and everyone who’s not Canadian thinks that the idea of Americans sewing patches of some other country’s flag on their bags is insane and preposterous. Europeans that I asked were completely perplexed. Are you so blinded by your self-love that you think that Americans would lie and say they’re you? Not only are you so deluded to think we’d rather be you, but do you truly believe that we’d make the effort to go out and find canadian flags, which of course, we’d end up having to mail-order since they aren’t available for purchase anywhere, and take needle and thread and attach them to our bags? That’s fucking absurd. Sure, YOU may sew Canadian flags on all your stuff, but that’s because you guys are OBSESSED with disassociating yourselves from us and apparently have a lot more free time than we do. Even though we know we’re not well liked in a lot of places, do you really think we love you so much that we’d rather be you than who we are? If that was the case, you’d see a massive influx of Americans moving to Canada. If we were going to lie and pretend to be from someplace else, we’d pretend to be French or Italian or something that would get us LAID. What’s to be gained by people thinking we’re Canadian? That’s like lying and saying you’re from Ohio. “Wow! That guy’s from Canada! I bet he owns a very high quality winter coat.” Sure, we don’t do a lot of vacationing in Cuba, but who fucking does? Want to know why foreigners think you’re Americans until they see your little flag? BECAUSE YOU’RE EXACTLY THE SAME AS US. Canadians like to assert that Americans would plaster the American flag all over our backpacks, suit cases, t-shirts, etc. but we don’t because we fear the scorn of foreigners who have strong Anti-American feelings. I find that it’s much more the case that only obnoxious nationalists make sure to always bear their country’s emblem. I live in New York City, where I literally see people from every country on Earth on a daily basis. I’m surrounded by people from all walks of life all day long. We have the greatest concentration of foreigners of every stripe of anywhere in the world. Do I see book bags plastered with the Italian flag? German? Chinese? Turkish? French? Brazilian? Nope. Just Canadian. Why does no one else adopt this flag patch obsession? Probably because people realize that nobody gives a shit what country they’re from as long as they’re polite. Who wears American flag patches? Cops, firemen, military personnel… maybe some bus drivers. Do you suppose Americans don’t wear American flag patches in America because they fear Anti-American sentiment from other Americans on American soil? Keep deluding yourselves.
“Yeah, well Pamela Anderson, vacuous bimbo, plastic surgery disaster and sucker of glam metal cock, is Canadian!” Pamela Anderson became a naturalized US citizen in spring of 2004.
“Our Currency Is pretty and American Money is dirty and smelly” Wow! A Loon! EEZ SO PREETY! It’s a fucking DUCK with a silly call, a pointy beak and beady red eyes. American money is dirty and smelly because, unlike Canadian Currency, IT GETS USED. What’s more important, having money that’s pretty or having money that’s worth something?
“Yeah well, at least Avril is better than Britney!” Do you seriously not hear how stupid and pathetic that sounds? “OUR TURDS ARE COOLER THAN YOUR TURDS!”
“Our Beer is Better than yours!” Is that the only thing you can think of? Drown your sorrows, Canucks. It’s not like Canadian beer could even hold a candle to German, Irish or many other European beers, so find another point to brag about. “Better than Budweiser” doesn’t exactly bring home the trophy. Lots of Americans drink import beer… and no, not Canadian.
“At least we use the Metric System, unlike you stupid Americans!” The imperial system is hard? Only if you’re really crappy at remembering basic units and are too stupid for Third-Grade-level mathematics. Also, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE? That’s like laughing about the colors that a country paints its road signs. If you have to resort to ripping on our system of weights and measures, don’t you think that’s kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel? Is that all you’ve got? I made this big, fat, evil page and all you can come back with is, “Haw, Haw! You use the Fahrenheit temperature scale! HAW HAW HAW!” Let’s face it. Imperial units will always sound more fluid in writing and music. Would anyone have listened to The Who’s “I Can See For Kilometres?” How many grams of prevention equal a kilogram of cure? Who would have paid to go see movies like The Green 1.60930 Kilometer, Hedwig and the Angry 2.54 Centimeters, Centigrade 232.77778, The Longest .9144 Metre or Attack of the 15.24 Metre Woman?
“Haha! Terrorists are attacking you!” The most backwards, uneducated, fucked up religious fanatics in the world consider us “The Great Satan.” Hey, we must be doing a few things right. Sure, YOU might not agree with our policies on economics or pollution, but do you really think that the people who hit the World Trade Center could give a rat’s ass about any of that? Why are they hitting us and not you? After all, your value system is almost identical to ours, even if you’re too stubborn to admit it. Why bother hitting such an impotent and innocuous country? If a suicide bomber has one life to give, why spend it on you? Why bother hitting the bully’s little sister? Why would you assassinate the President’s cat? After the attack, the value of the US Dollar plunged… but it never came close to being as low as the Canadian Dollar is on an average peaceful Tuesday. Oh, and uhh- Thanks for having such lax border policies that they slipped into our country over your border, right under your noses. I guess you file that under your famed self-proclaimed politeness. “Well, they looked busy and we didn’t want to pry into their affairs.”
“Haha! Your Space Shuttle blew up!” Sure. Laugh, assholes. Just wait until one of the Canadian Space Shuttles blows up. Wait. CANADIAN SPACE SHUTTLE??? HAH! WHAT AM I SAYING?!?!
“Your Healthcare System Sucks Compared to Ours!” Now you’re just DIGGING for something. You know how often I think about healthcare? Almost never. Do you seriously walk around all day with a big cheesy grin because you have free healthcare? Are you sick all the time? Does the subject of healthcare seriously float around in the front of your mind all the time? The only time I think about healthcare is when I’m sick. I’ve been to the doctor once in the past 6 years, because I’m not sick very often, and I live in what you like to describe as a “Big, filthy, dangerous city.” The visit cost me ten bucks and the medicine cost me another ten bucks because I have insurance. Your healthcare is also not exactly FREE, since your TAX DOLLARS pay for it, is it? Which is more beneficial to consumers? Giving your healthcare money to a private insurance company that’s in competition with other private insurance companies, or giving it to a beleaguered government bureaucracy? So uhhhh… Time for you to dig your silly arguments for Canada’s superiority out of a deeper, more creative bin.
- 17) Canadian Content Laws
For Canadian Radio and TV stations to be granted license to broadcast, they are REQUIRED to play a certain percentage (defined as “in no case less than predominant use”) of content produced by Canadians. This essentially amounts to censorship of international media in order for Canadians to advance their nonexistent cultural identity. It isn’t so much advancement of Canadian culture so much as it is avoidance of media from everywhere else. Also, part of Canadians’ tax money goes towards running the media. Hmmm.. State-run media that highlights how great Canada is. Sounds a little like a Soviet era Pravda style propaganda machine to me. Basically, the law requires that instead of American dogshit TV like “Friends,” Canadians have to watch some other dogshit TV produced by Canadians. Yeah, I know you’re gonna hit my email and say, “But we have ‘Friends!'” Yes, I know. There is no escape from stupidity. Your government tried to save you with their Canadian Content laws, but you always gravitate back towards our most idiotic shows for some reason. At least our radio stations aren’t REQUIRED to play crap like Smashmouth the way yours are required to play crap like Bryan Adams. One of the stated purposes of Canadian Content laws is the “Support of Canadian Artists.” In other words, if a singer or actor isn’t good enough to be internationally successful, Canadian broadcasters will keep him employed, sort of like Welfare for entertainers. No doubt Rick Moranis thinks this is a great system. “Whoo-Hoo! Rent’s paid again this month even though my masterwork was ‘Dark Helmet’ on Spaceballs in 1987! Thanks, taxpayers!”  (http://www.crtc.gc.ca/eng/cancon.htm)
- 18) Their Pride in the CN Tower
They incorrectly claim to have built the tallest structure on earth and didn’t even have the common decency to leave the fencing off the observation deck. How are people supposed to deal with being Canadian if they can’t jump and land on top of the Toronto Blue Jays? And let’s get something straight. The CN Tower is NOT THE TALLEST FREE STANDING STRUCTURE (http://www.xs4all.nl/%7Ehnetten/tallest.html). The US has at least NINE structures that are taller. So they’re not tourist spots. So what? It takes more than that to get us all excited. By the way. The site on that link is made by a guy from the Netherlands, so you get to finally get irritated at a Non-American ripping down your little fabrications.
- 19) Industry
What’s your favorite Canadian car? If you just answered “GMC” or “Pontiac,” I have two things to say: 1.) Man! You have rotten taste, and 2.) Thanks for building them up there and sending all the money back to Detroit, since they are both American cars.
- 20) Air Canada
Air Canada filed for bankruptcy in April, 2003. HAHA!
- 21) Their Adherence to the British Monarchy
Why would anyone from North America want to follow the monarchy of Britain when they aren’t even considered a real part of the government THERE? That would be like printing the likeness of Mickey Mouse on currency. “Hey, let’s follow a FAKE government, EH! Bow before the richest UNEMPLOYED people in the world!”
- 22) Their Claim That They Have the Most Beautiful Women In the World
I think this is a really petty, superficial, unfounded and completely arbitrary argument, but I’ve heard Canadians make it more than once, so I’ll grudgingly engage it. What’s so amazing about your bunch of white women that makes them so different from the honkies in other countries? Could it be their deep, dark tropical tans? Every locality in the world, from Korea, to Chile, to Sweden, to Bangladesh, to Alabama claims to have the world’s most beautiful women. Personally, I think it’s a really stupid claim to make, even more than a claim to the world’s best beer. I decided to consult an internationally sanctioned organization designed solely to determine these inconsequential, frivolous things, that has been in this business for over fifty years. Since 1952, Canada has won the Miss Universe competition ONE time, in 1982, thus confirming Canadian women as the most beautiful in the universe forever and ever, amen… well… not quite two percent of the time. You can see in the picture above the prime specimen that won. It kinda looks like one of those embarrassing high school yearbook pictures with the feathery Farrah Fawcett hair, but hey, this brick-jawed brute is your official internationally acknowledged proof to your claim of having the world’s hottest girls. On a side note, Puerto Rico and Venezuela won 4 times, Sweden 3, and the United States won SEVEN times. It must be because we’re all obese, toothless hicks. On a side note, your only winner moved to Los Angeles a few years back. Canada: one minus one equals zero / USA: seven plus one equals eight. Where is Canada on THIS LIST (http://www.aneki.com/beautiful.html)?
- 23) Their Hatred of Americans
It’s like the whole Canadian identity seems center around, “Yeah, well at least we’re not the US!” Don’t you have ANYTHING ELSE to say? In the Urban Dictionary, about 99% of the definitions of “Canada” written by Canadians focus entirely on this inferiority complex (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Canada). The other one percent focuses on beer and strippers from Montreal. Being tired of the US considering them a second rate country (when in fact we barely think of them as anything more than another BIG state up North that uses Monopoly Money), they come out as openly hating the US (which is ironic since about 90% of their populace lives within 150 miles of the US border, kinda like fish swimming against the glass of their imprisoning aquarium trying to one day “get to what’s over there”). You never hear Canadians saying “We’re the best! Fuck Sweden! We rock! Fuck Bulgaria! Canadian beer kicks German beer’s ass!” Their whole “we’re the best” thing centers around comparing themselves to the US 100% of the time. It’s sad that most Canadian Patriots concentrate less about Canada’s actual worth and accomplishments than they do about simply not being American but there’s a solid reason for it. The reason why all their pride is oriented firmly against the US is because they KNOW that their whole culture is based on American culture, and hence is ALWAYS compared against it. Like any apprentice, they dream of one day surpassing their master. It’s kinda like having a midget angry at you – more of an amusement than a threat. What-cha gonna do, Canada? Challenge us to a drinking contest? Beat us at Hockey? Mock our Beer? Heaven forbid you should find something of any real significance that you’re actually better at than the US other than things like having less crime, which go hand-in-hand with being mostly rural and paying an assload of taxes. Kansas has very little crime, but that’s because it’s fucking BORING there. I was listening to Jane’s Addiction and there was a line that reminded me of Canada.
“I was standing in the shower thinking – About a man I know don’t like me – He don’t like the place I’m headed: The same place he’s headed – I know he’d beat me to it – If he could but he won’t do it – But he would, man, if he could.”
Canadians hate Americans because we’re both working off the same cultural model, but it works better for us, and that pisses them off. Their collective mindset is programmed for silly patriotism, based wholly on simply “not being from over there.”
TakeDown.NET -> “Why-Canada-sucks”